Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

Context

Chris Voss wrote Never Split the Difference after spending 24 years as an FBI hostage negotiator—which is a fancy way of saying he talked people out of doing terrible things for a living. The book is basically him taking all those high-stakes negotiation tactics he used with kidnappers and bank robbers and showing you how to use them in regular life. You know, for things like asking for a raise or convincing your parents to let you borrow the car.

Premise

The book isn't about "meeting in the middle" or finding compromise. Voss actually argues that splitting the difference is a terrible strategy because nobody gets what they really want. Instead, he teaches you how to guide conversations using psychological tactics that make the other person feel understood, which apparently makes them way more likely to give you what you want.

Here are some of the highlights:

• Mirroring: Repeat the last few words someone says back to them. It sounds stupid, but it keeps them talking and makes them feel heard.
• Tactical empathy: You don't have to agree with someone to show you understand where they're coming from. This is the secret sauce for loosening tension.
• Labeling emotions: Call out what someone's feeling ("It seems like you're frustrated about this")
• The power of "No": (Most) People are more comfortable saying "no" than "yes," so ask questions that let them say. Weird, but it works.

Review

The thing I found most interesting was how Voss breaks down these techniques with real stories from hostage negotiations. There's this crazy one about a bank robbery where he has to talk down a guy holding people at gunpoint, and you're just sitting there thinking, "How does anyone stay calm enough to mirror someone in that situation?" But that's the whole point—if it works when lives are on the line, it'll probably work when you're negotiating with your siblings, why you should get the last slice of ham on Thanksgiving.

I'll be honest though—I tried using mirroring on my little sister, and all that happened was she called me names and slammed the door in my face. So, you know, results may vary.

The book does have a tendency to make you want to skip ahead to the stories because those are the interesting parts. But the actual breakdowns of the techniques are the most important parts, even if they feel a little dry. Voss explains why each tactic works psychologically, and that's what makes it stick.

This book will make you think less about "winning" arguments and more about steering emotional conversations in a way that makes the other person feel understood. Which is not usually the opposite of what you think about when you’re arguing with your siblings or parents, but if you want to get better at navigating conflict without everyone getting defensive, this is probably worth a read.

— Noah